Activism: Tweeting platitudes all day and raising money on Patreon.
Bernie Bro: A fiction created by moderate Democrats. Anyone who believes in it is a low-information (see below) progress-suffocating corporate shill, and also a snake.
Bernie Sanders: Jewish version of Jesus of Nazareth.
Bootlicker: Anyone who displays less than a general antipathy toward corporations.
Centrist: 1) Bad or disagreeable, undesirable. 2) Being undecided. 3) A Democrat that is right of Bernie Sanders. 4) Person who attempts to add nuance or complexity to a black and white description of a problem.
Chronic street homeless: Poor people. The terms are perfectly interchangeable, and you should declare that anyone who disagrees with homeless policies of [large West Coast city] simply hates the poor.
Corporations: Either we go down, or they do. Evil organizations with no redeeming qualities. Exactly how they work is within the realm of black magic, voodoo.
Democrat: A Republican with a rainbow decal on their car.
Differences between Democrats and Republicans:
Donald Trump: Great punisher of Democrats. The outward manifestation of the party’s sins.
Julian Assange: Greatest journalist of the century. Saved us from Hillary Clinton.
Liberal: Classically liberal. No other meanings exist.
Low-information: Votes for a candidate in the Democratic primary who is not Bernie Sanders.
Moderate: Person with a minimum of principles. The Democratic variety of this cannot defeat Donald Trump.
Neoliberal: Pejorative term for a bad, undesirable or disagreeable person.
November 8, 2016: The greatest night of my life.
Photograph of my candidate being arrested in the 1960s: A comprehensive essay on why Black people should vote for my candidate in 2016.
Pr*fit: An obscenity.
Rigging a primary: When you leak a few debate questions to my rival and schedule some debates during sportsball.
Self-reflection: To be avoided at all costs. It’s everyone else’s fault. See also, Rigging a primary.
Twitter like: A substitute for casting a ballot. See also, Reddit upvote.
Western Europe: The standard by which to judge the American political spectrum. No, I’m not being Eurocentric. Try seeing the world for once, neoliberal.
(Credit to Z.H. of McSweeney’s for the inspiration)
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