Pretty Congresswoman
January 29, 2021
“… and like, the thing about this policy, is that it’s really important. You guys need to call your local representatives and tell them to vote for it!” Pretty Congresswoman (PCW) said to a live virtual audience of 150,000 on Instagram. Messages in the accompanying chat were various and thoughtful.
WE LOVE YOU PCW!!!
PCW is BAE!
Sell me your used socks!!
“I love you guys,” she said. Her toothy grin propagated throughout the world, inspiring millions of progressives, and especially the male progressives.
“I think I’m gonna call it here. Till next time!” She went offline. Her expression became vacant.
****
July 13, 2018
“We are live here with Pretty Bartender, who is running to represent the 138th District of Massachusetts in Congress. Pretty Bartender. Tell our viewers a little bit about yourself and why you should be elected.”
“Well, I’m 28 years old. I’m running because I think the people of the 138th District need a fresh voice, someone who isn’t insulated by big money. I don’t know if you knew this about me, but I work as a bartender. And I think my experience resonates with the working people of Boston. They need someone that can empathize and advocate for them.”
“You identify as a democratic socialist. Tell us what that term means to you.”
“I think it means that, in wealthy countries, everyone should have a certain minimum of economic dignity. That no one should go without. And in American capitalism, wealth has been concentrated at the tippy top of the top 1%. I think capitalism needs to be revisited.”
“Do you think democratic socialism will replace capitalism?”
“Ultimately, we are marching towards progress,” Pretty Bartender said.
“What does that mean?”
“Oh. You know. Just moving toward an economically just society.”
“I see. Shifting gears here- if you were to serve in Congress, you would have to grapple more with foreign policy, and speak more about your views on that.”
“I’m very comfortable with foreign policy. I have a degree in international relations.”
“Oh, great! So I’m struck by a tweet of yours regarding the recent killing of Palestinians by Israeli soldiers in Gaza, which you described as a massacre. What is your position on Israel?”
“I favor a two-state solution. However, what people are starting to see in the occupation of Palestine, is just an increasing crisis of humanitarian conditions.”
“You use the term, ‘the occupation of Palestine.’ What did you mean by that?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
“No. Middle Eastern politics isn’t exactly on my kitchen table every night. I don’t know what you want from me. Get off my fucking back.”
****
July 9, 2019
Pretty Congresswoman had just finished delivering a speech to staff of the Bernie Sanders for President campaign. She shook hands and took photos with them. Eventually it was a young man in a beanie’s turn to meet her.
She’s so progressive, he thought. I am truly inspired.
“Hi, what’s your name?” PCW asked.
“Fine, thanks. I’m Michael.” Idiot! he thought. Blood rushed to his face.
She smiled. “What are you working on?”
“I’m a precinct co-chair for a neighborhood in Des Moines.”
“Oh, awesome! So we’re gonna win Iowa just because of you?” She nudged his arm.
O ecstasy! thought he. Strangely, the blood in his face was being recruited elsewhere in the body.
“Yeah. We’re gonna win it hard.” Win it hard?
“I believe you. Bernie hired the right guy for this one.”
“Well actually, I was hired by the operations director,” he mansplained.
“Of course,” PCW said. “Well, good luck! It was nice to meet you.”
“Yeah, same. You know, you’re just so smart, and you’re such a nice person.”
****
October 29, 2019
House Oversight and Reform Subcommittee Hearing
PCW took the mic.
“Can I make a comment? I would like to do my job, and I try not to get out of my job at every opportunity. So given the fact that we have convened the former governor of California, and Senator Whitehouse here, we’re here to talk about the very pressing issue of cutting carbon emissions, and saving our planet. And we have an entire political party that’s trying to get out of their job, and adjourn this hearing. I just want to know what the reason for such a disrespect of our process would potentially be.” She was facing her Republican colleagues. “Is there a reason this hearing is being adjourned? Or, do we just have a cocktail party to go to?”
“I have one,” a representative from North Dakota said. “There’s an impeachment hearing in the basement of the Capitol. You can’t expect us to do hearings at the same time a deposition is going on. I’m completely comfortable having this hearing, I just would prefer to have it at a time when I can participate in it. We can’t do two things at once.”
“This could not have been brought up before we convened the governor and the senator? We’re doing this, when they’re here?” she said.
“We brought this up last week,” another representative said. “It’s not like we haven’t talked about it. You guys keep scheduling hearings during impeachment proceedings. You talk about doing your job? There’s no way you can do that when you have to be two places at once.”
“And just to be clear, there was exactly one Democrat in the room when this started,” the man from North Dakota said.
PCW gestured in exasperation. The sophistry of these planet killers!
****
October 20, 2020
PCW flew to LA to do a collab with a politics livestreamer. He was a very successful livestreamer. He regularly pulled tens of thousands of viewers. He was also handsome and muscular.
Along with a few other popular streamers, PCW and Handsome Livestreamer played a game of Among Us, a murder whodunit featuring cartoonish avatars in spacesuits. At the time, grown woman PCW represented a district of Boston in the Congress of the United States of America.
The livestream ended. Handsome Livestreamer covered up his webcam. And he and PCW made love.
January 29, 2021
Trading app Robinhood, which has a simplified user interface and is marketed toward casual investors, was in the midst of controversy after having limited the ability of its users to buy and sell certain ‘meme stocks’. The company was thought by many to be colluding with Wall Street and hedge funds. In keeping with PCW’s populist bona fides, she took to Twitter to denounce the company’s heavy-handedness and unfairness.
Ted Cruz, also a populist but on a slightly different part of the spectrum, sought to reach across the aisle. To her he wrote a provocative and shameful message: “Fully agree.”
PCW was infuriated. She drafted a choice rebuttal.
“But PCW, I strongly advise against posting that,” her communications director said. “This is an opportunity for bipartisan legislation. We can rein in the abuses of Wall Street and Big Tech. Your entire career is about fighting income inequality. We should swallow our pride on this one and work with the other side.”
PCW looked at her communications director with scorn. “Be that as it may, this is about ME, and MY feelings. I am an influencer and partisan first, and a legislator second. Ted Cruz almost had me murdered, and he must pay.” She posted the tweet.
Her following instantly Liked it, and poured yet more adoration on her. The doubt she had over her decision melted away.
January 30, 2021
PCW started a livestream on Twitch. She was going to discuss the Robinhood controversy. For about ten minutes she greeted her viewers, basking in their support.
we love u pcw!
You were right to call out ted cruz! He is an INSURRECTIONIST
your so cute!!
still waiting on those socks PCW
The whirlwind of messages were like camera flashes, illuminating a rising star.
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